Lights and Sounds

I had a beautiful dream last night. Sad and romantic. There was this guy, an older guy. He looked like a cross between Tim Burton and the lead singer of Counting Crows. He was married to a dark-haired austere woman. Aristocratic. They were married for years and he was always distant and sleeping with other women, but his wife loved him despite everything. Kind of like how Catherine loved Henry in The Tudors no matter what he did to her. Then he got sick or terribly injured or something. All I know is that he was near death. He was alone and scared and just as he was about to die, he smelled lilacs. And he realized that, although he never noticed it before, it smelled like his wife. Despite everything he ever did to her, she was what he focused on during his last moments. Then, miraculously, he woke up. His head was in her lap. She was holding him as he died. He looked up at her with tears streaming down his face and told her what had happened. That he never noticed she smells of lilacs but that was what saved him. Her.

I wish I didn’t wake up. It was beautiful.

Prepare for paranoia. I’m shattering my own life one piece at a time. Break everything down until there’s nothing left. Fall back into bad habits. Promised myself I’d never do it again but I can’t even trust myself. Can’t trust you. Can’t trust the world.

Sean Smith was in my dream last night. I dreamt I was in high school (but not my high school) and I had this class in a Harry Potter-esque classroom and I played The Blackout from this stereo in my backpack and everyone loved it so my teacher called Sean on the phone and told him to come down and visit. It was weird.

I’ve continued to be sick for the last week or so. First it was a cold, now it’s just a general feeling of my body falling apart. I’m scared of everything. I think I’m going to die. I’m planning a new tattoo. A death themed one. It’ll be my first big tattoo. I’m excited.

For some reason, I was in a crappy mood for most of today. I think a lot of it has to do with my sister. Honestly, I can’t stand her. So selfish, rude, and completely unappreciative. Ugh.

So we woke up, opened presents, got ready, then went to my aunt’s house. Hung out with my grandmother (who is hilarious, btdubs) then ate omnoms and opened presents. Haha, my grandmother and I were talking shit about my sister for a good part of the day. I like her. She told me I was the best looking grandchild. Winnn :D Then my mom and I came home and I’ve just been hanging out all night. I watched Four Christmases, and that was good. I like getting movies that I haven’t seen before. It hardly ever happens.

I need some excitement. I’m sick of wishing for something fun to do and having neither money nor ideas. I’m sick of my life. Sometimes I wish I lived in California and hung out with all these people I lurk on Twitter. Their lives are so much freaking cooler than mine. Sigh. I need change.

Brian and I talked yesterday and now I feel a bit better. I need to work on myself. My mind messes me up so much. He really is a great boyfriend and doesn’t deserve to have me make him feel bad about stuff that shouldn’t matter. But..yeah. I feel better. He said he’ll try not to feel bad when I bring up something that’s bothering me. We had that “need for communication” talk. I’mreally glad I have him. He makes me happy :)

We went and saw Avatar in 3D last night at Menlo. Oh. My. God. So good! Not gonna lie, I definitely almost cried for a lot of the end. Movies like that always get me. It really reminded me a lot of Battle For Terra, which I guess other people who’ve seen it have been comparing it to as well. The 3D was amazing and worth the extra cost of admission. Oh, turns out I’m an idiot and didn’t know you couldn’t cash a check at a bank you don’t belong to if the check isn’t from that bank either. My bad. So Brian paid for my ticket, even though I wanted to because he’s gotten me for the past like five movies we’ve gone for. He’s sweet <3

Oh man, I’ve been blowing through books lately. I finally finished the sixteen book Anita Blake series a few days ago, haha. Devoured another book yesterday, and I’m on my second book of the day today. Given, they’re not 1000 page behemoths. But still. I’m proud of myself.

Oh, minor sadness. My boots my mom got me for Christmas came yesterday (:D) and I tried them on this morning to see if they fit. They do, quite well, but it turns out the zipper on the side of one of them is broken :( So I can’t wear them tomorrow like I wanted to. Boo. We had to order them because my dumb feet are so big so we’ll have to mail them back and then wait for a new pair, but I’m just happy knowing they fit. We didn’t know if they were going to. Phew!

So that’s pretty much it. So freaking excited for Christmas tomorrow. I know most of what I’m getting from my mom, but she told me there are a few things I don’t know about so yay for suprises! And then I get to go to my aunt’s house and see everybodyyyy. Yay :)

Oh, hey there. Yet another blogging tool that I have grossly neglected.

So, Brian and I are together now. Have been since August 1st. Our five month anniversary is the first of the year. Yay! Honestly, I love him. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me back, but then other times I’m just convinced I’m just someone he keeps around to keep from being alone. I don’t know. I’m jealous of everything and always assume the worst. I don’t like what I’m turning into. I used to be so easygoing. Now I feel like I’m so hard to have around. I don’t know. I pretty much hate myself.

I have no job, I quit school a month after I started, and I just got over being sick yet again. I have absolutely no money. Oh, and I also have no friends. The only person I ever hang out with is Brian. I hardly even talk to anyone else. My life is completely worthless. Ugh. I’ve been so freaking depressed all day. I got all pissy at Brian earlier too. He never, and I mean never kisses me goodbye when I drive him to work. And to be honest, it really pisses me off. I know I’m overreating and it’s such a stupid thing to get upset over, but it does. I’ve seen some of what he’s said to old girlfriends on like, Myspace and other shit and I just feel like I’m so much less important to him. I feel like he always keeps me just a little bit away from himself. I know he’s been hurt and he’s afraid of getting in too deep and everything. But I mean, who isn’t? How does he think it feels for me when I tell him I love him and he tells me he “likes me very much”? Or how I know I would literally drop anything I was doing if he needed me but I feel like he’d rather sit at home and play video games? It fucking sucks.

And then there’s how I can never be upset with him without him making me feel like complete shit. Yesterday I got jealous of this girl he was talking to so I was all mopey when he got off the phone. Not like, to any extreme degree, just a little less happy than before. Then he figured out what was wrong and just kept saying he was sorry in this horribly depressed voice and hanging his head. Like, I can never get annoyed at him or get mad when he does something I don’t like without him getting all quiet and depressed. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything like that or he’s just going to be sad all the time. What kind of relationship is it when you can’t even talk about things? I just feel constricted. Sigh. I didn’t mean for this to be this huge rant, but I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never believed when people say just getting something off your chest can make you feel better. But honestly, I do feel a touch better having said all that. Wow. But you know what sucks? Writing about it here is literally the only place I can say it. Because if I said even half of what I’ve been thinking to him, he’ll probably just curl up into a ball and I’ll feel like I’m ruining his life. Again.

I’ve been holed up in my room for days streaming The Tudors on my laptop and noshing on Cheetos fun packs. This is my life.

Awesome things that need to happen immediately:
TOMORROW: Brian finally gets back from PA. I’ve missed him even more than I would have predicted. Which was a lot.
July 19th: Warped Tour! Madina Lake and The Blackout, fuck yes. Good times shall be had.
July 28th: Bullet For My Valentine at Starland with Derek. I haven’t seen them in yeaaaars so I’m mad pumped.
September 24-28: Madina Lake Epic Roadtrip! Five dates in a row in three different states. I live for this.

August is unimportant. Fuck it.

xox Sera